Newbies: The Untold Story
by Crazy 1
Summary: Annoying newbies bugging you? Learn how to deal with them with this self-help guide from SIMO Guides!


Crazy 1's note: If you have never been to the www.gamefaqs.com Banjo-Tooie Social Boards (Banjo-Tooie is a Nintendo 64 game), then none of the following will make sense to you.  
  
Crazyboy's note: Ha ha! Now you won't know what the heck's going on! : P  
  
Mr. T's note: We at SIMO Guides do not officially recognize and/ or pity all newbies as foos. We were all newbies once, after all, and we encourage and support all newbies with a decent amount of intelligence. N00bism isn't about how long you've been doing something as long as you're good at it. What you are about to read is designed to pity two specific foos rather than newbies as a whole. If you are one of the two aforementioned foos, prepare for a Mr. T whuppin'. Thank you.  
  
Newbies: The Untold Story  
  
A S.I.M.O. Guide by Crazy 1 and Crazyboy  
  
SIMO (SEE-moh) is an acronym for "Socially-Inept Moronic Oaf," and is dedicated to providing better education and opportunities for this long- oppressed race of weirdoes. At SIMO, we take pride in the fact that we look at these savage brutes as equals, as long as we don't have to share the same space or be seen in public together. With recent political moves by Senator Dunce, a long-time SIMO himself, SIMOs have been getting better education at Obedience Schools everywhere.  
  
WHAT THIS IS  
  
A message board is an online community where users can post messages or respond to them. The users at the Banjo-Tooie Social Boards (on gamefaqs.com), a board for social discussion relating to the Nintendo 64 game Banjo-Tooie, have become very close friends.  
  
This fanfic is a combination between a satirical documentary with a satirical self-help book. In late December 2001, two new Gamefaqs users, Donkey Puncher and kittiluvsU came to our message board and posted inane things about pokemon in excessive internet slang. We told the moderators about them and they were suspended. What follows is an account of what we did, how we did it, and just how stupid Donkey Puncher and kittiluvsU really are.  
  
HEADLINE NEWS  
  
Several users on the Banjo-Tooie boards at gamefaqs.com recently reported sightings of extremely annoying creatures running wild and refusing to spellcheck their posts.  
  
Says well-known BT local zztman5, "I was out shuckin' corn, and these two varmints come a'runnin into my topic and a'makin pointless posts about pokemon! There must a' been two o' those critters, said they were 'Donkey Puncher' and 'kittiluvsU' or sumthin' like that." Zztman5 refused to answer any further questions, saying that he his "fat chaw o' tobaccee" was keeping him fully occupied.  
  
To solve this problem, villagers violently insulted the n00bs for their abuse of internet slang and their lack of intelligence. BTSB locals can rest easy; the n00bs were suspended briefly and kittiluvsU recently admitted that "[we] disgust [her]!" Much feasting and jovial activities ensued, including the annual midget toss. On a side note for midget activists: the midgets tossed were outfitted with full padding and volunteered for the event. None were harmed and many were grateful for the generous bribes we gave them to keep quiet about the event.  
  
CHARACTERISTICS OF A NEWBIE  
  
Newbies generally travel in large packs. They live in sewers and come out at night to make pointless comments about pokemon, although little is known about their daily habits. Newbie experts speculate that they wallow in their own filth, continue to jabber in unintelligible internet slang or memorize their pokedexes. Newbies cannot communicate intelligently with anyone outside their circle, and probably can't communicate intelligently within their circle, come to think of it.  
  
Newbies have also been known to come to a board without following the board for a while before they make their first post. Therefore, they make posts like "I found SNS!" "Let's email Rare and they'll tell us SNS!" or, "Guess what guys! I found a CODE!" Wow, you really are special. If you see any of the above posts or threads, you have discovered undeniable proof that the user is a newbie.  
  
To learn more about newbies, we consulted crazyboy, an expert in n00bology, a fast-growing form of bacterial studies. Rumor has it that he has actually lived in a colony of newbies for a brief period of time. After being heavily sterilized, I had my goons "convince" him to share a little bit of his knowledge. Says crazyboy:  
  
"I have studied n00bs for a very long time. Ever since I first discovered these strange creatures I have felt compelled to study them. Although these beasts cannot remember even the simplest details about their friends, family, or message board manners, they are able to retain an almost encyclopedic knowledge of Pokemon. They seem to completely ignore all other forms of life until being flamed. The only to ward a n00b off is called Flaming. Flaming is basically just insulting the n00b, his/her momma, anything he/she loves, or his/her horrible spelling. Flaming is not foolproof. Some n00bs only get angrier the more you flame them [Crazy 1: sort of like a bullfight!]. Luckily, when several people flame at once, the n00bs are repulsed by the 'rude' and 'insulting' behavior. Occasionally n00bs return, but unless they are absurdly clingy, they leave said board immediatly. I should know. I did once."  
  
HOW TO WARD OFF NEWBIES AND OTHER EVIL SPIRITS  
  
As crazyboy so eloquently put it, if you flame the living hell out of a newbie, they'll go away. But, being a newbie to newbies, I'm guessing that you don't know how. The following information was written by two experimental scientists from the Institute of Insults, Derision Department, and is labeled "Top Secret." No, not really, it's just a scam, but you should read on anyway to discover the secrets of...  
  
FLAMING PART I: PARRY AND THRUST  
  
The key to flaming newbies is to be quick with your tongue. As Benjamin Franklin once said, "Man's tongue is soft, and bone doth lack, but a stroke thereof may break a man's back," and it couldn't be more true in a fast-paced duel against a slow-witted n00b.  
  
The first technique is the basic insult. Although we suggest finding actual faults in your adversary, fabricating them is equally effective. Here is a "real" Instant Message exchange that could knock a n00b's reputation flat:  
  
Coolguy: Hi.  
  
StupidN00b: Hi, how are you doing? My momma is fat, my IQ is five, and I live in the sewer.  
  
See? It's as easy as that.  
  
If you are a flamer with higher moral standards, then perhaps fabrication isn't your chateau de'poupon le'Chardonnay [that probably makes no sense, but speaking French makes me sound more qualified]. Our short newbie documentary should provide plenty of material to exploit.  
  
Comebacks are equally important as insults. Do some research; look up a whole bevy of "You're momma's so _____" jokes on hecklers.com, or play the Monkey Island computer/ video game series. It is important to turn around a newbie's insult in a clever manner. Observe:  
  
StupidN00b: Why are you so mean to me, just because I'm new? It's really not fair. I haven't done anything wrong!  
  
CoolGuy: Oh yeah?! Well, your momma's so fat, when she goes to the beach, she's the only one who gets a tan!  
  
FLAMING PART II: WHO CARES WHAT SIZE I PICK ON?  
  
Newbies are large, slow brutes, and their thick skull makes it hard for a single veteran to successfully insult them. Worse yet, they travel in large pokemon-loving herds which aimlessly wander into Message Boards and proceed to graze upon people's sanity. To defeat a pack of newbies, you will often have to enlist the help of your friends. Corner the newbie in a topic and flame them in large groups. Make sure you have as many friends as possible before doing this. When a particularly stubborn n00b once arrived, all efforts to flame him one by one failed. However, when around a dozen board members attacked from all sides, said newbie got the message and hurried out.  
  
  
  
FLAMING PART III: ADVANCED FLAME TACTICS AND THE USE OF WEAPONRY  
  
As capable homo beenataboardforareallylongtime-us, you have a distinct advantage over your primitive, ungroomed, hairy n00bish ancestors. You opposable thumb not only makes hitting the spacebar a hell of a lot easier, you also have the intellect to formulate advanced flaming tactics that lower self esteem to depressing levels and throw your adversaries into therapy. You can also make use of crude electronic tools on your quest to create flames.  
  
The Build-Them-Up-and-Crush-Them Approach:  
  
Not for the faint of heart, the weak stomached, the moral, or the hamster. To complete this, you will have to earn a newbie's trust. Defend them even if you risk the loss of your popularity. Don't worry, you're about to get it back in a big way. Say things like, "Juzt ignore them, st00pid n00b. I am a laim-azzed pokimun luvvur 2. gtg, lol, n/m!" Don't worry if you insult them a bit also; as long as you misspell words as much as they do, the flame will probably come out resembling a compliment, gibberish, or The Magna Carta.  
  
Now, for the vital execution of this tactic. Once you have earned the trust of the enemy, sneak into their camp at night and desecrate their most sacred religious symbols. Flaming is also effective.  
  
"But I don't like spam. Do you have anything without spam?" "You can try the Spam Spam Sausage and Spam! It doesn't have much spam in it!" -Monty Python  
  
Crazyboy: Spamming, though sounding complicated, is no more than bombarding the newbie with threatening emails. Be sure to have either several email addresses of several friends, as newbies have grasped the concept of 'blocking' an email address. I turn back to my associate Crazy 1, for more information.  
  
Smart 1: Many people are under the misconception that SPAM and flaming are the same thing.  
  
Crazyboy: I wasn't.  
  
Smart 1: WELL, MOST PEOPLE ARE, OKAY! As I said, one can use a flame to cook spam, we advise that you eat it straight from the can.  
  
Crazyboy: O.....kay.... Now, what were you saying about....whatever?  
  
Smart 1: Oh. Right. Spamming, besides the consumption of nasty canned "meat," can also mean sending threatening emails, sometimes more than once to the same recipient. For instance, think up a very creative or ominous flame, type it into your email program, and send it 100 times to the intended target. Before you do this, it helps to "get in good" with the webmaster so that you can't be banned for spamming. Send them a box of chocolates or a generous donation. You could also send the newbie and the webmaster a computer virus (i.e. worms, Trojan horses, etc.) that will knock out their servers for a couple months.  
  
Telling the mods, a.k.a. the "Ninny" approach  
  
As they say in karate, "running is the best defense." Yeah, and that's why Jackie Chan and Jet Li always beat the crap out of their enemies. Anyway, when flaming and spamming fails, sometimes the best defense is seeking help from the mods. Get your hacker friend to find out the newbie's password, then post something very offensive (insults aimed at sexual orientation or race seem always worked for me), then notify the mods. Then sit back and watch the flood dry up!  
  
THAT'S ALL, FOLKS (AFTERWARD)  
  
Crazyboy: The techniques shown in this fanfic are all real, and will surely assist you in your battle against n00bs. However, you should not attempt anything seen here without several friends to back you up. Also, to enter the next annual midget toss, email Crazy 1 for details. Be sure to specify whether you want to toss, or to be tossed. G'night. Now read something that's really educational!  
  
LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO  
  
Crazy 1: Anybody who reads this fanfic will be sued for all they are worth. It is illegal to copy, distribute, or feed this fanfic to your hamster without written consent from the authors, the owner of www.fanfic.net but, and all the factory workers who assembled the authors' computers. Of course, everybody breaks that rule anyway.  
  
CONTACT TEAM SIMO  
  
Crazy 1: philipnova@vom.com  
  
crazyboy (yes, his name is supposed to be lowercase. I guess he doesn't think very highly of himself): crazyboy_is_so_cool@juno.com (nevermind!) 


End file.
